You only ask people about themselves so you can tell them about yourself.

They placed their bets with such self righteous bravado, but I’m the one who lost.

You think maybe if you just work harder and faster, you can hold off the chaos, but then one day you’re changing a patio light bulb with a five-year life span and you realize how you’ll only be changing this light maybe ten more times before you’ll be dead.

We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.

Parents are like God because you wanna know they're out there, and you want them to think well of you, but you really only call when you need something.

After you find out all the things that can go wrong, you life becomes less about living and more about waiting. For cancer. For dementia. Every look in a mirror, you scan for the red rash that means shingles. See also: Ringworm. See also: Lyme disease, meningitis, rheumatic fever, syphilis.