Everything is funnier in retrospect, funnier and prettier and cooler. You can laugh at anything from far enough away.

When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?

You can tell people the truth, but they'll never believe you until the event. In the meantime, the truth will just piss them off and get you in a lot of trouble.

Women are already born so far ahead ability-wise. The day men can give birth, that's when we can start talking about equal rights.

Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need.

After you find out all the things that can go wrong, you life becomes less about living and more about waiting. For cancer. For dementia. Every look in a mirror, you scan for the red rash that means shingles. See also: Ringworm. See also: Lyme disease, meningitis, rheumatic fever, syphilis.