Steven Wright

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was 'Quote' so the last thing I said before I died would be 'Unquote.