Fran Lebowitz

"All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write."

"If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail."

"If you're going to America, bring your own food."

"The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting."